The Magic Lead Pipe of Peace

Once upon a time there was a boy named Vladimir. He lived in a house with his father Ghengis, his mother Lizzie, his sister Katie, and a cat named Ozymandius.

Insert cute family + cat picture here

His family was not well-liked in the village, because his father was a paid killer working for the drug cartels. All the other children made fun of him, and wouldn't let him play with them.

insert picture: father with gun, kids chasing Vlad away

One day, he got home from school and found that the DEA had come and killed his father, and taken his mother to prison. His sister was on the front steps, crying.

picture: house, broken door, bullet holes, sister

"Katie, what's wrong?" Vlad asked.
"They killed Daddy and took Mommy to jail!" she wailed. "Now they say we're going to go to foster homes!"
Vlad thought for a minute, and then got an idea. "I know," he said, "We'll get the village to take care of us!"

picture: Vlad, with an Idea

So they went to all the houses in the village, but no one would talk to them, much less let them stay there. After the last door slammed his face, Vlad started getting mad.

picture: doors slamming, Vlad and Katie outside

"Ooh, if I was bigger, I'd kill them all!" he said, as he walked to their house with Katie. "That'd show them!"
As they approached their house, they heard a sound - like someone crying! They looked around, and found it was coming from the bushes beside their front door. They looked under the bush, and instead of a person, they found the sound was coming from a piece of lead pipe!

Picture: lead pipe with eyes, tears everywhere

"What's wrong?" asked Vlad.
The Pipe looked at him and said "Ghengis is dead, and now I'll never get to kill anyone EVER AGAIN!", and burst into a fresh set of tears.
Vlad knew that his father's name was Ghengis, and realized that this must be the magic pipe he had overheard his father mention, once, when talking to his boss. He had asked about it, but his father shushed him, and told him he was too young for such things.
"What are you?" Vlad asked.
"I'm the Magic Lead Pipe of Peace" said the Pipe. "I helped your father talk to people, so they'd do what he wanted. When I talk to people, they get real nice, and stop trying to hurt whoever is holding me."

Picture: Father with Pipe, man on the ground holding up his hands for mercy

Vlad began to see possibilities. "Can you do this for anyone?" he asked.
"Oh yes!" said the Pipe, "When they're holding me, anyone can talk to people real good!"
"Will you help me and my sister, so we can stay here? The people in our village don't want us to stay."

Picture: Vlad holding the Pipe, again with an idea

"Okay", the Pipe said, "But first we have to kill the man who killed your father! I know what he looks like, and we can find him!"
"Very well." said little Vlad. "We'll go after him tonight, when he's asleep."

Picture: Vlad, Katie and Pipe, all happy

So, that night, Vlad and the Pipe snuck off toward the village, and walked into the Police Department. Because they lived in a small village, there was only one officer there at night, and he was asleep in his chair, behind his desk.
Before he had a chance to wake up, Vlad jumped up on the desk, and the Pipe swung down and smacked the officer in the face!

Picture: Vlad leaping onto the desk with the Pipe in his hand, cop asleep at the desk

He fell back out of his chair and laid on the floor, blood streaming from his broken nose. Vlad leaped down on top of him, and found that, somehow, he knew exactly what to say!
"Tell me the address of the DEA agent that killed Ghengis!"

Picture: Vlad standing above a bleeding cop, Pipe in hand

The officer started to refuse, but the Pipe guided Vlad's hand, broke the officer's knee, and again gave Vlad the words to say.
"Last chance, pig, or I kill your whole family."
At this, the officer agreed, and gave Vlad the name and address of the DEA officer who had killed his father.

Picture: cop, broken knee, crying. Vlad writing an address on a Post-It note

The Pipe again helped Vlad know what to do next. He took the officer's wallet and took out his driver's license. After writing down the name and address there, he gave them back to the officer.
"Now I know where you live. Mess with me, and I'll kill everyone you love."

Picture: Vlad leaving, cop on the ground with his license and wallet on the floor beside him

Vlad was so happy! He'd used the Pipe for the first time, and it was right! People were so helpful, as long as he held the Magic Lead Pipe of Peace!

Picture: Beaming Vlad, stroking a bloody Pipe

Now, Vlad knew what he had to do. He went straight to the address the officer had given him, and found a window that was open. He climbed through the window, and stood quietly in the dark house.

Picture: Vlad in a dark room, DEA body armour on a coatrack by the door, assault rifle leaned against the wall

Vlad snuck into the bedroom, and found the man asleep in his bed. He tiptoed across the floor, and the Pipe came crashing down on the DEA agent's elbow!

Picture: Vlad (looking a little less innocent) breaking DEA cop's elbow with the Pipe

The DEA agent woke, screaming, and reached for the gun under his pillow. The Pipe shot down and broke his other elbow, keeping him from shooting little Vlad.

Picture: Gun on the floor, agent's arms hanging at weird angles with bones sticking out

The DEA agent cried "Who are you? Why are you doing this?"
Vlad answered, "I'm Vlad. You killed my father, Ghengis, and now I'm going to kill you."
"Wait!" the DEA agent said. "I didn't want to do it, it was another drug cartel! They were tired of Ghengis killing all their people, so they sent me to stop him!"

Picture: Vlad holding Pipe, DEA agent talking, still bleeding

The Pipe whispered into Vlad's ear "Find out who it was. We'll get to the bottom of this if it takes all night!"
"Who sent you after my dad?" Vlad said, lifting the Pipe above the DEA agent's leg.
"It was the Corvanos cartel! The boss hated him! So they told me where he lives, and we all came in and killed him."

Picture: Vlad looking angry, DEA agent spilling his guts

"And my mother?" Vlad asked. "You took her away. Where is she now?"
The DEA agent cowered away from Vlad, and whispered "She's dead now, too. We took her to the Corvanos compound and they killed her."
Vlad was so mad, that he didn't know if it was him or the Pipe that did it, but the Pipe lashed out and broke the DEA agent's knee.

Picture: Vlad, furious, breaking the agent's knee

"Where is this compound?" Vlad growled.
The DEA agent gave him the address, whimpering from the pain.
"For that, you'll get a quick death." Vlad said, and crushed the DEA agent's skull. Wiping the blood and hair from the Pipe, Vlad left the DEA agent's home, and the two began to make plans to storm the compound.

Picture: DEA corpse in background, Vlad wiping the pipe with a hankerchief

Late that night, Vlad finally arrived at the Corvanos compound. There had been a celebration that night, in honor of Ghengis' death, and the guards were all drunk and passed out at their posts.
Vlad snuck through the gates, and into the house without waking them.

Picture: Mansion, gates open, guards passed out, Vlad hiding in shadows

Inside, Vlad found more guards, but they had also been drinking, and were sleeping or unconcious. He went up the big marble stairs, and opened the double doors at the top, and there he found Carlos Corvanos, the Corvanos cartel boss, asleep.

Picture: Evil-looking guy asleep in a huge bed, drugs on tables everywhere

Quietly, Vlad shut the doors behind him, and barred them. He snuck over to Carlos and put his hand across his mouth, and then broke both his knees! Carlos woke, and tried to scream for his guards, but Vlad was holding his mouth shut.
"Quiet, or I'll start on your arms!" Vlad snarled. Carlos whimpered a little, but shut up. "Now, you're going to die, for what you did to my father and mother!"

Picture: Vlad holding his hand across Carlos' mouth, Pipe raised

Vlad and the Pipe beat Carlos' body until no bone was left unbroken, and thanks to the magic of the Pipe, Carlos lived through the whole thing, until Vlad finally broke his skull.
Then, he pushed the body out the window, and shouted for the guards. When they woke up, still drunk, they looked at Carlos' window and saw Vlad standing in it, brandishing the Pipe.

Picture: Vlad in window, body on ground, guards looking at him

"Look at your boss!" Vlad said, pointing to the crumpled and bloody body at the base of the window. "You work for me, now, and if you have a problem with that, you'll end up like him!"
All the guards, afraid for their lives, agreed, and that is how little Vlad (with some help from the Magic Lead Pipe of Peace) took over the Corvanos cartel.

Picture: Vlad in a pinstriped suit in the mansion, Katie next to him, Pipe in his hand, and guards/employees waiting on them

Vlad turned the cartel into the most profitable drug empire in the world, and renamed it the Ghengis cartel, after his father.

Picture: Vlad, grown up, still with the pipe. Background, drug dealers, dead DEA agents, bags of cocaine, bundles of cash

And they all lived happily ever after!

Except for the village, which Vlad had his men burn to the ground to teach them to be nice to orphaned children, even if their fathers are assassins for the drug cartels.

Picture: Burnt village, dead villagers, Vlad shaking his finger at the survivors